Sex After Pregnancy Loss
Sexual intimacy, both the physical act of sex and the emotional closeness & trust we experience with our partner, is a cornerstone of most romantic relationships, but sex after pregnancy loss can be difficult to navigate. For some, sexual intimacy is craved in this time of grief; for others, sex feels confusing, wrong, scary, or inaccessible.
Sex after miscarriage comes with a lot of considerations – our sense of readiness (both physically and emotionally), our comfort, our expectations around sex, and our partner’s feelings. Sexual intimacy can be complicated enough outside of pregnancy loss, so it’s normal to feel conflicted about sex as you’re grieving. One of the biggest sources of stress around sex post-miscarriage is regarding timing and readiness, especially if we’re feeling pressure (from others or ourselves) to ‘try again.’ The questions below can be used to help you understand your level of readiness (and I encourage you to share these with your partner so that they can process too).
How do I feel about sex?
Has it changed because of this experience?
How do I want to feel about sex?
What are my expectations of sex?
Am I comfortable communicating this to my partner?
Part of knowing when we’re ready is knowing what we’re ready for – is our goal to try to conceive again or are we wanting to re-establish connection with our partner and restore our relationship to sex after miscarriage? These goals are not mutually exclusive, but being clear (to ourselves and our partner) about our expectations is crucial, so included below are some considerations and suggestions based on your position.
When you don’t want to/are not ready to TTC (try to conceive): It’s an act of self care to challenge that pressure of urgency when we know we need time to heal. Restoring sexual intimacy after miscarriage is about gradually and safely re-establishing connection, enjoyment, comfort, and play in sex. Giving yourself and your partner that time to focus on the two of you will not only strengthen your relationship in general, which is most important, but it will also set a solid foundation if you do decide you want to try to conceive again at some point in the future. Sexual intimacy is one form of physical intimacy – if sex seems too overwhelming or far away right now, I encourage you to start with other types of physical intimacy, such as affectionate, sensual, and playful touch. Always remember that there are trained health professionals that can help you re-establish this connection, including mental health and pelvic floor therapists.
When you do want to/are ready to TTC: So you’re ready and wanting to try again – how do you feel? Excited, anxious, hopeful, uncertain, all of the above? Whatever you’re feeling is normal. I want to gently remind you that the physical, emotional, and mental processes of healing after pregnancy loss take time – and they don’t always happen simultaneously. While there are things we can do to benefit this process of healing, we can’t control it. That timing might not perfectly line up with our cycles and fertile windows, or our/our partner’s desire for sex, which can lead to disappointment, anger, and resentment. If you direct those feelings toward yourself, please remember that it is normal for it to take time (as in multiple cycles and months) to conceive; it is not a sign that your body is broken or that something is wrong. If you feel urgency, it’s probably an urgency that comes from wanting to prove (to yourself or others) that you are _______ (healthy, in control, not a failure, not broken, etc.). It’s so common and human to feel these things – and it’s probably a cue that there’s some unfinished business/unresolved pain you have with your body. Take time to tend to it – be it on your own, with a therapist, with your partner and support system, and/or via a mental or spiritual practice.
If you find yourself feeling disappointed, angry, and resentful towards your partner, that’s also a cue. Sometimes, when we’re so focused on trying again, we lose sight of sex as a whole and just see it as a means to an end – it becomes mechanical and we often end up feeling more disconnected from our partners than we did before. Try to preserve a sense of sexual connection outside of your fertile window, not just in the few days where conception is possible — sex that isn’t focused on TTC is just as important during this time because this is when sex can feel less pressured and more focused on mutual enjoyment.
Remember to tend to your relationship as a whole and focus on nurturing it. Allow your body, your mind, your partner, and your relationship time to feel comfortable again. As hard and as human as it is, don’t weaponize your grief, against yourself or your partner – I encourage you to use some of the tools on this website to help you engage with it compassionately. Remember: a body in distress means a body in survival mode and a body in survival mode might not feel safe to be pregnant yet. We need time to heal.
Note: I used the term ‘partner’ in the context of a romantic relationship (aka a significant other), but these same considerations and suggestions are applicable to those of you who are not in a relationship or have multiple sexual partners and are navigating sex after pregnancy loss, so please know you are included here too!