“I Still” (Pregnancy After Loss)
The test turns positive and I’m elated. In complete awe. I laugh and go show my husband. We hug. I feel relief and excitement. This is a new chapter.
And yet…
I still check my underwear for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I still panic when I feel any sign of discomfort or cramping. I still can’t sleep the night before an ultrasound. I still have intrusive thoughts that this is temporary and I’m never actually going to meet my baby. I’m still grieving that I even have to experience this specter of fear that looms above me when this is ‘supposed to be’ the most joyful time of my life.
These thoughts feel wrong to say out loud, but they feel true when I write them. Sometimes, it’s hard to know how much of this to share with my partner, my family, my friends — I feel a pressure to just be so, so happy. And I am! But I am more, too. I have to remind myself that we are capable of feeling multitudes and all these emotions can co-exist. I don’t have to try to justify or fight or avoid them. And I find that when I make room for them, I still have room for the curiosity, joy, and hope I feel too. There’s even room for peace.
If this is the chapter you’re currently in, hi, friend. Are you craving a spiritual or mental practice to help you navigate this time too? I want to share with you a list of affirmations that were shared with me by @its.dayank. They’ve brought me so much comfort (especially number 4 and 5) and have helped me reset when I feel overwhelmed. I hope they help you too.
1. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
2. I am pregnant with a healthy, growing baby until I am told otherwise.
3. My past is not my future and previous losses do not mean I will have future losses.
4. Just because someone else is having a loss doesn’t mean I will. Miscarriage and loss are not contagious, but fear can be.
5. Hope does not make bad things happen. I cannot jinx my pregnancy by getting my hopes up or by telling someone about it.
6. There is nothing I can change with worry. Worrying about something out of my control does not prevent it from happening.
7. IF it happens again, God forbid, I know I can survive it.
Let this be a reminder to us both. We can still grieve our losses and allow ourselves to experience this beautiful next chapter. We can still have moments of doubt and feel peace. We can still honor the past and embrace our present. We’re allowed to feel it all.